The Muffin Man
“Democracy is the pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance” ??
(Source: You're just gonna have to trust me on this one)
As the ancient Ibibio proverb goes, what you know shouldn't scare you. I am not here to argue about whether it should scare you or not. Rather, you should see this writeup as a language guide of sorts. The election season is upon us. So a lot of new (not entirely though) terms are seeping into everyday conversations and vocabulary of UI students. And as the ever watchful guardian and Lord protector of the fourth estate, it has become pertinent for us to sensitise you and what gives and what takes in this critical season.
There are cases where some people have expressed shock and bewilderment in contexts where they should have totally grasped what was going on. And this is why I have taken the liberty of carefully selecting the more popular choice words for you. As soon as you see them in official releases, you should be able to correctly infer what is being said. No be everything dem go tell you. So instead of acting like that is the end of the world, just shrug and move on with your life. Na normal thing.
The more interesting thing is you can even apply it to a broad range of contexts, not just UISU.
“We’re working on it”
This is the first excuse or better still communication strategy that our student leaders use. It's the go-to catchphrase, the most common one. They also use its siblings in “we’re collaborating” and “we’re reaching out” among many others. This is mainly to get you off their backs and to project the semblance that something is being done.
Oh, your portal has issues? We're working on it. Your hostel doesn't have light? We are working on it. Oh, thieves entered your hall? We're reaching out. We can't do it alone. We are seeking for sponsorships. We will reach out to alumni.
On the one hand, you can't help but feel sorry for them, because at the end of the day, almost everything is beyond them, so they collaborate and reach out. But that does not prevent them from assuring you of their assiduousness, and I am sure they are working on it, just like the tortoise is working on smoothening its shell. So, as soon as you hear this, try to as much as possible, get your issues resolved by you. If you go and relax, brothers and sisters, you are on your own.
Stone cold silence
Well, in this case, no one can accuse you of not working if they are unable to reach you. Afterall, there is a Yoruba saying that says you cant get mad at who you can't see. So that's what student leaders over here do, they become unavailable and unreachable. You'd be astounded when even the PRO becomes unavailable.
But there are contexts in which they do this that can be so confounding to the ordinary mind. The union could be falling into utter ruins and the leadership would stay silent. So don't be surprised when this happens. Just suck it up and move on with your life.
“My opponents are trying to sabotage me”
This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. They don't always use this in official communication. They mostly spread it through informal channels. Even Gobbels is learning from these guys. They create the sense that whatever is going wrong is the fault of a foe with hidden agenda somehwere.
In fact, anyone who doesnt give in to their whims is actively trying to sabotage them— and they will make you believe that! Their budget is not approved? The legislative council is their enemy. The press is reporting on their failed promises? The press does not report good things.
On occasion, and in the rare instance where they put it in formal writing, the same press is usually their target. That's when you will see rebuttals and rejoinders. One would think that in a school as demanding as UI, everyone is barely hanging on for dear life, but not this guys. They are busy fighting imaginary opponents.
“We can't have it all”
They mainly do this when they are out of their depth. After making several promises that they are consequently unable to fulfill, they resort to gaslighting their constituents. During campaigns, they promise us sumptuous three course meals but when they resume, they start sharing cups of garri. Before you know it, one sycophant somewhere has started praising them, even preaching on the health benefits of drinking garri.
By the time they are done with you, guilt will be eating hard at you for asking for too much. You would want to apologize for asking for what you are owed.
“That's how we met it”
This iconic (lie) line is one that every Nigerian kid is familiar with. You know, as kids, we avoided being punished for being careless with stuff and breaking stuff by just claiming that was how we met it. You remember that right? It is the same here. Only in this case, you get to feel how your parents probably felt when you lie that it wasn't you.
For your average politician, they get to use this to pat themselves on the back for doing the bare minimum. And apparently, our student leaders often use that as a blame deflection tactic. They can blame the former hall Chair, faculty president or secretary. Afterall that one won't be able to come and deny it.
“We need to follow due process”
This is the final one we will be discussing today. Normally, due process has to be followed. There has to be order in everything. But over here, due process has become a stall tactic. They sometimes do it to buy time. I mean, what else can you call it when you have to send an invitation letter to DSS, to the Nigerian police and the military in order to have a student union congress. These ones are appealing to the Alale and Onile of the land. One would think it was a congress of the ruling party of the country.
Conclusion
At this point, I'm concerned this article is probably not following the due process stipulated somewhere in an obscure instruction code somewhere, so I will be stopping here for now. To learn more about due process and the other communication tactics that some of our student leaders use, you just have to pay them a visit at the Kunle Adepeju building. There, you will learn a thing or two.
