The Muffin Man
The management of the University of Ibenju, in conjunction with an organisation named Puppet Co, has rolled out plans to launch an all-new toy brand. The launch was announced in a communiqué issued by the school and made available to several different media outlets all over the continent.
According to this communiqué, the launch will begin in phases, with departments and some certain faculties getting the first batch of products. The letter further revealed that the new toys have been extensively screened and scrutinised for any obvious or subtle flaws as well as issues with patent infringement. These extensive tests were done to ensure that these products were fitting for the school standard.
According to an official our reporter reached out to at the media and public relations unit of the school, a pageant or display ceremony of sorts will be held for the newly launched toys. During this pageant, some of the toys with the highest ratings by the evaluation board will be put before the students in a poll. The toy with the highest vote count gets to be the new mascot of the university.
Leaked Documents Reveal
From some sets of documents from our sources at the VC's office, student affairs and the Puppet Co development team, our reporters were able to glean that this project had been in the works since the reinstatement of the Ibenju Student Union some decades ago. At its inception, the project was thought to be a massive waste of resources and also a few light years away from being feasible in any way.
"However, the target population proved to be the most accommodating and unbothered set of individuals. So the project will be tested on every scale to find a one-size-fits-all, the one that works in all contexts. And as such, the management has deemed it fit for the project to carry on. However, there were a couple of holdouts among the target population, but those were taken care of quietly," one of the documents obtained read in part.
The Story of the New Toy Line
Some of the brains close to the situation stated that the plan was in accordance with the management's decision to meet with world best practices and more importantly, contribute to making life easier for humankind in general.
According to information received by our reporter from one Mr Aigolai Giviu at the student affairs division, this project is set to complement the recently established Ibenju robotics unit with a view of replacing that unit altogether.
"As we all know, machines are the new way forward. So we are looking to move on from creating insensitive machines and robots to more lifelike toys and puppets for people who like to get hands-on. As effective as machines and robots can be, everything becomes boring and underwhelming where the owners have nothing to do."
"In fact, the idea is not to create robots who simply try to solve problems and only use computer logic. It is always obvious they are being controlled, so they might not appeal to the students. This is why we are using toys that students can take with them wherever they go because at the end of the day it is about feelings, emotions and empathy," he said.
Puppet Co Reps Speak
When the PR Director of Puppet Co., Mr Sino Hevil, was reached out to for comment, he stated that the funding and initiative were provided entirely by the school management who left quite the wiggle room of creativity for them.
"We fiddled with the zombie model, but we realised that it was not quite what the school wanted due to the ineffectiveness of previous models. At some point during development, we were faced with the daunting task of deciding whether the new toy was supposed to entertain, educate or lead. This unclarity delayed us for a couple of weeks."
When asked what was different about the newly launched toy line, he also reiterated that it was lifelike. "The details are in the eyes," he said. "We tried to make the new models a little more lifelike."
ISU Senior Specimen Speaks
When reached out to for comments, Arigidana Jegede, the outgoing ISU Senior Specimen, whose position is now being rebranded Senior Mascot, stated that the collaboration was a laudable initiative.
"I mean, what else can I say about a management who cares so much about the welfare and wellbeing of their students that they have gone to lengths such as this to help them stay safe and comfortable?"
"We are grateful to our mummies and daddies at the management level for their insight and sagacity," said he.
Editor's Note: This piece is what learned and educated individuals call a satire. Any resemblance to any place, institution, or being, living or dead, is entirely in your head.
