By: The Muffin Man
Editor's Note: At the time of this publication, it has not been conclusively proven which SU presidential candidate this speech belongs to. But based on the diligent and scrupulous efforts of our editors, we have been able to confirm that the tone, style and language used therein is eerily similar to those used by SU presidents in the past. The inserted instructions were drafted by the third party who actually drafted the speech in the first place. We are yet to determine who the third party is. Reader's discretion is advised. Zik Press will not be liable for any mental, psychological or emotional strain.
<<<(Raise one hand up. Don't say anything for a few minutes)>>>
<<<(Wait a little so that the boys from your hall can sing ‘Ara wa ni bobo yen’ for you)>>>
<<<(Sing Aluta song)>>>
“Ladies and gentlemen, <<<(Scream it in Jaw war style)>>> my fellow students, my daddies and my mummies, my brothers and sisters, my comrades in this struggle, first and foremost, I would like to thank you all for taking the time to come here this evening. I know you have taken the time from your busy schedule to grace the manifesto night today and I really appreciate it. I have not come before you this evening to stand behind you, neither have I come here to whine you, my people. So, I will just cut to the chase.
“This Union is our union. This union is one of the biggest unions in Nigeria, one of the energy nerves of unionism in sub Saharan Africa. Let me borrow the quote from our brothers in Zik Hall and say that when UI sneezes, the entire student body in Nigeria catches cold. We have the history, the culture and the heritage. In fact, some of the foremost student nationalists graduated from this school. People like Kunle Adepeju and others are living testimonies. <<<(Do not say this! Kunle Adepeju didn't graduate. He was killed!)>>> But over the years, we have suffered from a lot of intellectually deficient, conformity inspired and frankly appalling attacks on all fronts.
“Our students are being attacked, stifled, victimized and abused. And the time for change has come! <<<(Pause briefly)>>> According to Abraham Lincoln, our lives begin to end the day we keep quiet about the things that matter <<<(Did you confirm that he actually said this?)>>> Our union needs a radical change in direction and in perspectives. This current situation cannot be allowed to continue for much longer. We, the students need to take our lives into our own hands <<<(Drag each word)>>> And this is why I have come here today with the BESPOKE AGENDA.
“Why do we have a student union if the students don't have a voice? Why do we have an SRC if the students are not well represented? Why is the school even allowed to open if the students are going to be subjected to the most inhumane treatments possible? So you see, what we need is change! <<<(Pause for applause)>>> With the BESPOKE AGENDA, I have custom made a fitting plan for our student union. We are going to be more student centred. You see, I have spoken with some of our past Student Union presidents, people like Mascot, Host, Aweda and Covenant, who fought tirelessly and dared the school management on several occasions. One thing we realized is that we need a radical union. And I am ready to spearhead this change.
“For those of you who know me, you know I always deliver. For those of your who don't, just take a look at my track record. I have served and function in so many different committees. As the saying goes, some are born great, some achieve greatness while others have greatness thrust upon them. As for me, I was born a leader. I was the first of nine kids. In my primary school and secondary school, I was made head boy because I was the head in everything. Even my teachers back then knew I was headed in the right direction —towards greatness. I used to come first in everything, both in academics and in sports. I was the brain behind the Ifako-Oke Youth Carnival in my hometown. I was the president of the Isale odo youth movement. Under my administration, we got the state government to construct a standard road to the Abule Faleti area in my hometown. Here on campus, I have served on many social, financial, disciplinary and fundraising committees. I have even served as a legislator. And with all these experience, I think I can workout how to make our union work smoothly.
“I know I'm not God, so I won't promise you a path in the wilderness or rivers in the desert. Rather, I will promise you everything you deserve. My plans are a lot more complicated so I will have to slim fit it here. Leave the details and logistics to me, I will renegotiate your school fees. For the students who still can't afford it, we will organize a funding drive but this time, we will use lottery style. Only students with the lucky numbers will have their fees paid. The rest will have to drop out. <<<(Pause for effect)>>> I'm just kidding! <<<(smile)>>> Weren't you listening before? No one will be left behind under my administration.
“I will get new bus for the SU. I know a guy in the federal ministry of transportation and he has promised to make it happen when I get elected as president. We will organize career oriented programmes like seminars, public lectures, panel sessions, shark tanks, buiness pitching competition as well as debates and quizzes for interested students. I know a friend who is an event planner so that will be sorted out. We will also renovate some of the dilapidated facilities in this school. We will get WiFi to your rooms. We will organize a food bank. We will get paid internships and practical field training for you. You just have to put your trust in me. <<<(Pause and let Rotimi and the rest shout for you)>>>
<<<(Prostrate on the ground)>>> “Without you, none of this plans can come to pass. And for this reason, I want to beg you. During tomorrow's elections, please be there. Tell your brothers, your sisters, uncles and aunties. Tell your roommates, coursemates and fellowship members. Let them know <<<(pause for a second)>>> that the Bespoke Agenda is not playing!
<<<(Do finger sign so that Rotimi and the others can start hailing you)>>>
<<<(Act like you're asking them to stop)>>>
<<<(Do finger sign so they actually stop)>>>
“We will no longer sit around and let things happen to us. We will make things happen! We will challenge the norm. We will hold power accountable. Under my administration, students will be approving their next Dean of Students Affairs. They will even get to vote for their next VC. Anybody that says this is impossible is obviously extremely small minded. No student will be left behind. <<<(Smile for the camera)>>>
“Greatest Gbagba, WE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN! VOTE BESPOKE AGENDA, VOTE PROSPERITY AND FREEDOM” <<<(Do your arms like Bellingham. Aura farm!)>>>
<<<(Point to DJ so he'll play your song)>>>
<<<(Flap your hands three times before you jump. Note: If you don't flap your hands three times, they won't catch you! If you fall, you lose aura points)>>>
